Here are some (American) musician jokes. Please read them all before taking offence as few instruments are spared!
Did you hear about the bass player that was so bad even the drummer noticed?
How do you make a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until its bill withers
Yogi Berra Explains Jazz!! Interviewer: "What do expect is in store for the future of jazz guitar?"
Yogi: "I'm thinkin' there'll be a group of guys who've never met talkin' about it all the time.."
Interviewer: Can you explain jazz?
Yogi: I can't, but I will. 90% of all jazz is half improvisation. The other half is the part people play while others are playing something they never played with anyone who played that part. So if you play the wrong part, its right. If you play the right part, it might be right if you play it wrong enough. But if you play it too right, it's wrong.
Interviewer: I don't understand.
Yogi: Anyone who understands jazz knows that you can't understand it. It's too complicated. That's what's so simple about it.
Interviewer: Do you understand it?
Yogi: No. That's why I can explain it. If I understood it, I wouldn't know anything about it.
Interviewer: Are there any great jazz players alive today?
Yogi: No. All the great jazz players alive today are dead. Except for the ones that are still alive. But so many of them are dead, that the ones that are still alive are dying to be like the ones that are dead. Some would kill for it.
Interviewer: What is syncopation?
Yogi: That's when the note that you should hear now happens either before or after you hear it. In jazz, you don't hear notes when they happen because that would be some other type of music. Other types of music can be jazz, but only if they're the same as something different from those other kinds.
Interviewer: Now I really don't understand.
Yogi: I haven't taught you enough for you to not understand jazz that well.
What did the ProTools engineer say to the singer?
That sucked; come on in
What's the last thing a drummer says before he's thrown out of the band?
"Let's play one of MY songs"
What's the difference between a musician and a large Domino's pizza?
A large Domino's pizza CAN feed a family of four
Have you heard the one about the guitar player that plays in tune?
...........neither have I.
What was the epitaph on the blues player's gravestone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."
How can you tell if the stage is level?
The drummer drools evenly out of both sides of his mouth.
What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
His amp.
How do you make a guitar player play softer?
Put a chart in front of him.
How do you make a keyboard player play softer?
Take his chart away.
How do you get two soprano sax players to play a minor second apart?
Have them read off the same chart.
How do you get two guitar players to play in counterpoint?
Have them read off the same chart.
How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.
General Custer and his aide were in the fort. The aide said, "General, I don't like the sound of those drums."
From over in the hills you hear a voice yell, "It's not our regular drummer."
How many engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
1) "Is that an analog bulb or a digital bulb?"
2) "It's in the manual, You DID READ THE MANUAL, DIDN'T YOU?"
3) "That's visual. I only do audio"
How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?
"I don't know. What do you think?"
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.
How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; the piano player does it with his left hand.
How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. Five. One. Five. One. Five.
How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
"One, two, three; one, two, three."
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
How does a soprano change a lightbulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.
How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can't get up that high.
How many jazz pianists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Screw the changes, we'll fake it.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could've done it.
Why are classical conductors so in demand as organ donors?
Because their hearts have barely been used.
Whatís the difference between a violin and a double bass?
A double bass burns longer.
What do you call a drummer with no girlfiend?
Homeless.
The bass player came tearing out a club in hot pursuit of another guy.
The bouncer asked him, "What's the problem?"
Puffed the bassist "That guy turned one of my tuning pegs, and he won't tell me which one."
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.
What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don't return it.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.
How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.
What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead snake in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.
What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-at-a-glance"
What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."
How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.
How can you tell when a soprano is at your door?
You can't. She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit at the back and don't play.
What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger.
What's the difference between violists and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the cellists.
How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...
it would be a good idea.
Where's a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.
What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.
If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
What's another definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.
A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor.
"I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply.
The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply form the receptionist.
At last she asks him why he keeps calling.
"I just like to hear you say it."
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.
How do you get a violist to play down bow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a semibreve and mark it "solo."
What's the best recording of the Walton Viola Concerto?
"Music Minus One"
How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo" on the music.
What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.
Three guys are sitting at a bar.
#1: "...Yeah, I make $75,000 a year after taxes."
#2: "What do you do for a living?"
#1: "I'm a stockbroker. How much do you make?
#2: "I should clear $60,000 this year."
#1: "What do you do?"
#2: "I'm an architect."
The third guy has been sitting there quietly, staring into his beer, when the others turn to him.
#2: "Hey, how much do you make per year?"
#3: "Gee...hmmm...I guess about $13,000."
#1: "Oh yeah? What kind of sticks do you use?"
How do you make a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until its bill withers
Yogi Berra Explains Jazz!! Interviewer: "What do expect is in store for the future of jazz guitar?"
Yogi: "I'm thinkin' there'll be a group of guys who've never met talkin' about it all the time.."
Interviewer: Can you explain jazz?
Yogi: I can't, but I will. 90% of all jazz is half improvisation. The other half is the part people play while others are playing something they never played with anyone who played that part. So if you play the wrong part, its right. If you play the right part, it might be right if you play it wrong enough. But if you play it too right, it's wrong.
Interviewer: I don't understand.
Yogi: Anyone who understands jazz knows that you can't understand it. It's too complicated. That's what's so simple about it.
Interviewer: Do you understand it?
Yogi: No. That's why I can explain it. If I understood it, I wouldn't know anything about it.
Interviewer: Are there any great jazz players alive today?
Yogi: No. All the great jazz players alive today are dead. Except for the ones that are still alive. But so many of them are dead, that the ones that are still alive are dying to be like the ones that are dead. Some would kill for it.
Interviewer: What is syncopation?
Yogi: That's when the note that you should hear now happens either before or after you hear it. In jazz, you don't hear notes when they happen because that would be some other type of music. Other types of music can be jazz, but only if they're the same as something different from those other kinds.
Interviewer: Now I really don't understand.
Yogi: I haven't taught you enough for you to not understand jazz that well.
What did the ProTools engineer say to the singer?
That sucked; come on in
What's the last thing a drummer says before he's thrown out of the band?
"Let's play one of MY songs"
What's the difference between a musician and a large Domino's pizza?
A large Domino's pizza CAN feed a family of four
Have you heard the one about the guitar player that plays in tune?
...........neither have I.
What was the epitaph on the blues player's gravestone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."
How can you tell if the stage is level?
The drummer drools evenly out of both sides of his mouth.
What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
His amp.
How do you make a guitar player play softer?
Put a chart in front of him.
How do you make a keyboard player play softer?
Take his chart away.
How do you get two soprano sax players to play a minor second apart?
Have them read off the same chart.
How do you get two guitar players to play in counterpoint?
Have them read off the same chart.
How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.
General Custer and his aide were in the fort. The aide said, "General, I don't like the sound of those drums."
From over in the hills you hear a voice yell, "It's not our regular drummer."
How many engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
1) "Is that an analog bulb or a digital bulb?"
2) "It's in the manual, You DID READ THE MANUAL, DIDN'T YOU?"
3) "That's visual. I only do audio"
How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?
"I don't know. What do you think?"
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.
How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; the piano player does it with his left hand.
How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. Five. One. Five. One. Five.
How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
"One, two, three; one, two, three."
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
How does a soprano change a lightbulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.
How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can't get up that high.
How many jazz pianists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Screw the changes, we'll fake it.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could've done it.
Why are classical conductors so in demand as organ donors?
Because their hearts have barely been used.
Whatís the difference between a violin and a double bass?
A double bass burns longer.
What do you call a drummer with no girlfiend?
Homeless.
The bass player came tearing out a club in hot pursuit of another guy.
The bouncer asked him, "What's the problem?"
Puffed the bassist "That guy turned one of my tuning pegs, and he won't tell me which one."
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.
What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don't return it.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.
How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.
What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead snake in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.
What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-at-a-glance"
What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."
How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.
How can you tell when a soprano is at your door?
You can't. She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit at the back and don't play.
What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger.
What's the difference between violists and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the cellists.
How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...
it would be a good idea.
Where's a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.
What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.
If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
What's another definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.
A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor.
"I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply.
The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply form the receptionist.
At last she asks him why he keeps calling.
"I just like to hear you say it."
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.
How do you get a violist to play down bow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a semibreve and mark it "solo."
What's the best recording of the Walton Viola Concerto?
"Music Minus One"
How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo" on the music.
What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.
Three guys are sitting at a bar.
#1: "...Yeah, I make $75,000 a year after taxes."
#2: "What do you do for a living?"
#1: "I'm a stockbroker. How much do you make?
#2: "I should clear $60,000 this year."
#1: "What do you do?"
#2: "I'm an architect."
The third guy has been sitting there quietly, staring into his beer, when the others turn to him.
#2: "Hey, how much do you make per year?"
#3: "Gee...hmmm...I guess about $13,000."
#1: "Oh yeah? What kind of sticks do you use?"